“But I remember more dearly autumn afternoons in bottoms that lay intensely silent under old great trees”
- C. S. Lewis

Is it weird that the thought of fall makes me want to blog? What is it about the colors changing and the need for my wool sweaters that make me want to hole up in my apartment with a cup of hot chocolate, a warm blanket, and my laptop?

As I walked out of the HBLL on campus yesterday and felt the chill and smelled the air, it hit me. I want to blog. It's so bizarre. I was thinking that maybe it has something to do with the creativity factor. The fall also makes me want to do crafts.

I have been reading my friends blogs. Keeping up with things, but rarely posting. There is a blogging class at the library that I am very tempted to take. I don't know why it fascinates me so much. I rarely have anything important to say and I know that writing and being awesome doesn't come as easily to me as it is for Meagan. However, I still like to do it.

So, I guess the point is this: The fall is around the corner and all I want to do is bake, blog, and embrace my bibliophilism.

To bad school has to fall in there somewhere. Ha ha "fall" in there. That's clever and completely unintentional.

In Other News,

Tonight I leave for Virgina. My bags are not packed and I am not ready to go. I guess that suits though because I am also not leaving on a jet plane. I am driving.

I will miss you all during my stay at Heaven on Earth, as Jared calls it. Buena Vista is beautiful and I am excited. I am also tired just thinking about all the sleep I am not going to get.

But, like I said, I will miss you all. I doubt I will be posting much during my time there but I will think of Megan in London and Miri in her Honeymooner Bliss. I will think of Lindsey cheating on me with another best friend she will find and cringe at the Camera Game photos the two will share. I will think of Stephanie and Max, without me, taking long walks in Downtown Fredericksburg. Getting lost in Antique Stores and coming out smelling like turpentine. Meggan, I don't need to tell you what I will miss about you. But I will remind you that if Gabe so much as takes one teeny tiny step before he falls over, I want to hear about it.

You all get the picture. Keep me posted.

At summers end, watch for me comin' round the mountain with a weary stride, a glowing countenance, and a "Virgina is for Lovers" T-shirt.

Alright. Now for the good stuff,

In Other News,

The makers of Bend It Like Beckham and Bride and Prejudice are also bringing us a film adaptation of Angus, Thongs, and Full-Frontal Snoggings. I don't know when or even if the film is going to hit the Box Offices here in America, but I do know that England release date is July 20, 2008.

Here is the trailer my lovely ladies:

I don't know how to explain..

...I've felt so...still..

My sister Elysse loves to take photographs. She walks the paths around our house just looking for an opportunity for a good use of her camera. The kids play in the trees around back and she walks behind them. She adjusts the shutter, focuses the lens, and captures Ezra gazing at the sky surrounded by a sea of green. Click. A beautiful photo. She takes time to follow the neighbors dog and our littlest sister, with a ball in her hand, to the dock on Ferry Landing. The ball, the girl, the dog. Click. Another perfect picture.

She creates beautiful images from what most take for granted everyday. Brothers and sisters playing in the backyard and a walk to the dock become significant, remembered, remarkable.

I woke up this morning rushed, agitated, and frustrated. To come home from Church and feel so peaceful, determined, and refreshed has made me feel singled out by my Father in Heaven. I really needed Him today.

I am worried about so many things. Worried and nervous. I am worried about school. I am worried about not being smart enough. I am worried about not being a powerful enough teacher. I am supposed to feel adequate, but I don't. I am worried that I can't make a difference in my own life let alone the lives of countless others. I worry that I am not humble enough to be anything let alone a teacher. I worry about my thoughts and my undisciplined habits. I worry I can't be sensitive to the Holy Ghost. I worry I can't be a good leader. I worry I can't be prepared or optimistic or obedient. I am worried I am incapable of a firm hand and a tender nature for those that I have jurisdiction over. I worry about my need to feel in control. I worry that I'm not funny enough. I am worried I can't see those who struggle. I am worried I can't see them because I am so gosh darn blinded by my own worry.

I want so much to be the best. Not just good, not just better, but the best. I begged and pleaded with the Lord today during Stake Conference except none of my own words came out. The same lines kept repeating themselves over and over. A loop of the most desperate pleading of my heart.

"More holiness give me," it said. "More strivings within." I tried to think of my own way to say the next part. The part about my worry for being inadequate but what came was a stronger, more fervent voice, "More patience in suffering, more sorrow for sin." I felt guilty for not understanding that by doubting my worthiness, I also was acknowledging my sorrow for sin. Then came a gentleness, I about cried. "More faith in my Savior, more sense of His care. More joy in His service, more purpose in prayer."

This was it! I had my revelation. My epiphany. And, I felt myself get excited. More excited than I have been in a very very long time.

I need to be grateful. I need to show more trust in the Lord. I want to have zeal for His glory and more hope in His word. The song that came to my head explained it perfectly. They weren't worries. They were desires! A desire for more. "More purity give me," the song said. I want more. "More strength to o'er come." I wanted to shake off the restrictions of my bad habits and obtain more freedom from choosing to do better. I wanted something more familiar. "More longing for home." Mostly, as I sat there and thought about it, I wanted to feel "more fit for the kingdom." More fit for leadership at EFY and in my life. More fit for the roles I played in my relationships as a daughter, a friend, a sister, a girlfriend. If I managed that, if I could actually, really, pull it off, than I would feel more productive and less like a waste of space. More useful. I wanted to feel like I was working hard to be blessed. Working hard to feel worthy, holy. I have been struggling because I want to feel less like myself and more like the Savior!

I sat in Stake Conference this afternoon not really hearing the speakers, but my mind was open and listening to the whisperings of the Spirit. I am grateful that, just this once, I wasn't being too stubborn or selfish to hear what He had to say.
I've been worried. Worried and nervous.

"I can be more than this." I told myself.
"But, why haven't I tried?"

I looked around and thought about how I am spending my summer. My brothers and sisters adore me. My mother is so proud me that she gets that weird motherly look in her eye as she touches my cheek and tells me good night. She thinks I am beautiful and she can't believe she's my Mom. My step-dad is so happy being my Papa he could just spit. All of this approval and happiness and success and I am going to spend the months before school starts in one of the most intensely spiritual programs I have ever been involved in, Especially for Youth. I am leaving the safety of my home where it doesn't matter if I am not that great and going to a place where not only will my strengths be magnified but also every single weakness. What am I going to do? How am I supposed to be an example to these counselors? How can I be the one to teach them.

"Why haven't I tried?"

I took out a legal pad and started to make a diagram. I wrote down three virtues that I felt, if truly desired and sought, would result in some kind of great change. More, would result in more. Under those headings, I made top 5 lists.

On a side note, I love top 5 lists. 5 is the perfect number; long enough that you have to think hard after number 3, but also short enough that you don't feel overwhelmed by the task.

I brainstormed until I had at least 5 under each heading and then at the top I made another list of habits I need to eliminate. Beside that list, I made another list of things I need to do to make myself move from complacency and into active participation in my own eternal progression. Half of the page was what I desired from the Lord and the other half was the list of things I would do or sacrifice to get them. I did it prayerfully and I know it was through the power of the Holy Ghost. It was the hardest thing I've had to do in a while. The diagram was a lot more extensive than I thought it would be. And still, a very honest and complete list of what I need to do to take full advantage of my summer in the Spiritual Incubator I like to call EFY.

I've felt Heavenly Father nudge me day after day and I feel like today is the day he laid it all out for me. I am trying to make myself understand where I need to be spiritually and emotionally. What I can do to change. What I can do to satisfy my craving for more.

I realize this next part sounds a lot like the primary song we all know and love but I can't help it. I was Singing time Lady for a year and a half. I can feel Him close around me as I pray. Today, President Page told us that faith is not knowing God can but that he will. I am redefining what I thought faith was. I not only know that God can make me what I desire, but that he will. Too often, the thing you want most is the one thing you can't have. Desire leaves us heartbroken, it wears us out. Desire can wreck your life. But as tough as wanting something can be; The people who suffer the most, are those who don't know what they want. Because of today, because I listened, I know what I want and I know that this desire is the one thing that I can..no..will have. That's faith. More faith. I'm getting there.

Like Elysse following the littles around the backyard, I can feel Heavenly Father following me throughout my day. Setting up the most beautiful scene for his master camera and placing me in His Frame of mind. A change is coming, a big one. I can feel him refocusing his lens and adjusting the shutter of my life.

I know that He is taking advantage of what I take for granted. My desire is enough. My worry and nervousness become catalysts for change, progress. The little things I do are divine set ups to the most beautiful image of myself. The one that will be significant, remembered, remarkable.

Click. More.

Big Mouth Disease

Lately, I have been sleeping with my mouth open. I don't know why it's changed all of a sudden. I never slept with my mouth open before. I have no allergies and I am not sick. I breathe fine through my nose, so that can't be the reason. I think that people who have been sleeping their whole lives with their mouths open deserve some kind of honorary prize. It's disgusting and on top of that there is this device called a CPAP that you wear around your head to strap your chin in place during the night. I am not kidding. I googled it. I cannot begin to imagine what THAT would look like. A chin strap for those millions that suffer from Sleep Apnea. Otherwise known as the people who cannot seem to keep their trap shut. Ha. Ha. literally...

Anyway...a GiNORmoUS Lunar Moth came to visit last night. It was huge! Bigger than my hand! And I have man hands like Elane from Seinfield! For such a large moth, it disappears incredibly well. I made an embarrassing display of my self as chased it across my bed, around my bathroom, and back out again before it managed to vanish. I have decided my particular moth is the Mind Freak of it's species. It definitely blew my mind.

And so, my Mind Freak Moth is around here somewhere. Waiting...

That's why I have been thinking about my new sleeping habit. What if, by some bizarre coincidence, the moth flutters across the room as I sleep, decides to land somewhere around my head, and decides my open mouth is the best possible place to roost?

It's survival of the fittest around here and it seems like Mother Nature has pitted me against the craftiest , biggest, and most elusive moth of it's generation. It also doesn't help that I am easily intimidated.

In conclusion, if you find yourself sad or depressed because of all your problems or your finding it hard to work through your daily grind. Be grateful you do not suffer from the very amusing, and yet quite serious, disease of people who cannot keep their moths, I mean mouths, closed.

S'laters.

Like I mentioned before, my Macbook arrived yesterday. Today I had to go online and complete my e-training for EFY. The training was long and also boring and so I spent most of the time goofing around with my isight camera.

I haven't posted yet about the joys of my new Macbook so I am going to post the game I invented today with my isight. It's called Celebrity Crossing. Here's how it works:

Take one isight camera
One photographic subject (The subject does not have to actually be photogenic just be able to have a photo taken of them. So, vampires are out of the question.)
Take random pictures using the effects options
Guess what two celebrities could possibly make such a being.

Here are my results:

Jay Leno and Megan Follows had a love child.












Love Child:















I am a lot fatter than both Megan and Papa Jay. I think it must be the new Twinkie Diet I am on.

Next, the Wild Thornberry's had a daughter before Cordelia.












Due to her gigantic cranium, she suffered mental disabilities and did not live long.

It's here!

So, my computer finally came. Thanks to Jared I now know all I need to know about my Mac.

Three words for you: Two finger scroll.

In Other News,

I am copying Lindsey's "Now Featuring" idea with my own spin. It's called "In other news."
This will enable me to broadcast myself a little more streamlined and efficiently. The rules for In Other News is that there are no rules. I get to write about whatever I want whenever I want.

This first one is completely dedicated to my new favorite site.

So, without further adieu...

In other news, I have found this wonderful new blog completely dedicated to one of my favorite past-times, cooking. These recipes are great. Simple, original, and absolutely delish. It's called Picky Palate.

So far, I have tried the Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough Brownie Cupcakes and they are divine. The recipe is easy and you can't mess them up. You can also get them finished just in time for that short notice Mix n' Mingle dessert assignment that no one told you about. It saved my bacon many a time in Provo. So, Jenny has all the credit, but here is the recipe.

Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough Brownie Cups

1 box brownie mix 9 x 13 size
1 batch of your favorite cookie dough
Powdered sugar or frosting

1. Preheat oven to 350 degrees F. Prepare brownies according to package directions. Pour batter into mini cupcake tins (about 36-40) that have been sprayed generously with cooking spray. Spoon 1 Tablespoon of cookie dough into the center of each filled cupcake tin, gently pressing down into the batter. Bake for 15-18 minutes, or until cooked through. Let cool for 10 minutes before removing brownies from tins. Sprinkle with powdered sugar or frost.

I also recently tried her Balsamic Grilled Bruschetta Chicken and it's fabulous. Also an easy recipe, and my siblings loved it. My Mom is also on the Atkins diet (I know don't get me started on how unhealthy that is) but she was able to enjoy this and not feel as guilty about devouring it if she was still on Weight Watchers.

There is also a variation of this same recipe but as a Panini sandwhich. It is equally amazing and good for when you want to mix things up and throw down Italian style without the pasta.

Balsamic Grilled Bruschetta Chicken

4 boneless skinless chicken breasts, thawed (I use the big Costco bag)
Pinch of salt
¼ Cup balsamic vinegar
¼ Cup extra virgin olive oil
8 slices fresh mozzarella cheese

4 Roma Tomatoes, seeded and diced
8 fresh basil leaves, stacked, rolled and thinly sliced into chiffonade
3 cloves fresh garlic, minced
Pinch of salt
1 Tablespoon balsamic vinegar

1. Preheat a grill pan over medium heat on the stovetop. Spray with cooking spray. Combine balsamic and olive oil in a bowl. Season both sides of chicken with pinches of salt and place on grill. Brush top sides of chicken with balsamic mixture. Cook for 4-5 minutes and flip chicken. Brush with additional balsamic and cook for an additional 4-5 minutes or until cooked through. During the last 2 minutes of grilling place 2 slices of cheese over top each chicken to melt.

2. In a large bowl combine the tomatoes, basil garlic, salt and balsamic. Toss gently to combine. Place chicken breasts on a serving plate and top with tomato mixture. Serve warm.

I hope you enjoy these recipes as much as I did. The woman is amazing and I am glad to have found her. 1. because I always am scampering around for new recipes to try and this one is readily available online and 2. because all of them are wonderful.

Bon appetite!